I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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