TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
