It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize