you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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