Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
