i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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