I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
