I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
