I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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