Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
ok first of all what the fuck
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
