we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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