i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
