So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
