...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
