From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
