Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
