Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
