how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
