Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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