Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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