I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
