chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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