You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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