You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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