remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
