do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
