Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
