now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
