So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
