Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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