dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
