I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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