yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
