Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
