I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
