I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
