if i died would you start the facebook group?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
