There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
