hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
