Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
