New invention idea: vibrating tampons
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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