the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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