Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
