im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Life is so much better after having sex.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
