I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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