i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
