On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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