Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
