you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
