if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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