Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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