u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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