Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
