oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
