OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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