Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
