those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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