I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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