Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
