i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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