I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Drake has all the answers
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
