i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
